I find myself, here, at a crisis point. The crisis is within. It is a crisis of faith, of marriage, of mothering. It is a weariness of feeling like all I am doing is climbing an uphill battle. It is a loss of joy. It is a questioning of all God has done, is doing, and will do.
So. coupled with the fact that I have absolutely nothing of a crisis in my circumstances I feel immensely guilty for feeling empty. For feeling like something is missing. For feeling like I want something more than what I have been given.
I have so many blessings to be thankful for, but they get swallowed up in the black hole of my emptiness. I tried writing 'one thousand gifts', however, it has become just another bandwagon for me to jump upon and if there is a bandwagon to be on....I jump off. What does this say about my personality? Does it reveal some deep, dark, secret rebellion that 'I will not be like anyone else?'. But really, what if, thankfulness is the key; and I am missing out on something great that God has for me in my refusal to stay on that bandwagon?
Yet, I don't want it (writing thanks for gifts) to be just another thing to do because it is the right thing to do. My life is so filled up with doing the right things. In fact, what happened to the law of 'if you act, feelings will follow?' because sure as the sky is blue and the grass is green, it isn't happening for me. I have been doing the 'right' things for so long I don't know if I would recognize doing them for the pure joy. And oh, how I want that joy. The joy of worship. The joy of serving. The joy of loving my husband and children. Joy. I want that more than anything.
So where will that lead me? Do I continue to flounder in the mire and muck of obligation? How can one search for joy while one is still needing to fill the responsibilities of wife, mother, church go-er, teacher, laundress, secretary, financial accountant? How? Because doing all the 'right' things, responding the 'right' way is NOT working for me. I feel a swell of bitterness and resentment rising and it scares the life out of me because those two things are life-stealers. And I want to live. Live fully. Live with joy. Live the dream that God has graciously full-filled.
........to be continued
blessings to you,