Monday, October 24, 2011

Self-Pity or Pride?

Apathy is a dangerous place to be. Apathy, for me, quickly leads to questioning my purpose. It leads me down a path that is difficult to climb back up. Apathy can lead me straight into the arms of self-pity. First I think I don't care and then I think nobody really cares about what I say or do. I am just one women against a tide of four and against the tide of culture and against the tide of time.

I am a woman against the tide of four because I am tasked with the charge of raising and taming these four children I have been blessed with, but I am dealing with not just innocent children, but five natural, sinful natures (mine included) all vying for top position. It is exhausting.

I am a woman against the tide of culture because I am seeking to raise and train these four blessings in the path the Lord is leading us down and it is contrary to popular culture.

And time, it keeps going by faster and faster. The days begin and end before I can even catch my breath. All the relationship building I want to it even happening? I have less than ten years with my oldest child and just over a decade with my youngest. I can't keep up with time.

Recently, I became overwhelmed by the tides. It started out innocently enough, just dealing with life's ups and downs, but it quickly spiraled into a battle between what I was feeling and what I know to be True. I believe that our feelings need to be recognized and dealt with, but they cannot be relied on for Truth.

I was questioning my ability to mother: was I really making a difference? Is all this sacrifice really worth it? Do they even hear me when I speak? I was looking at my ideals and realizing just how far away I was from them. Am I even capable of being the kind of mother I dream of being?

Then God spoke. He said, 'if you want to be like Christ, then empty yourself and become a servant.' Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves'. (Philippians 2:3-7)

This slammed into me. I saw my pity party for what it really was--pride. I wanted to be noticed. I wanted to appreciated. I wanted to be heralded as this great motivator.I wanted my family to rise up and call me blessed. I wanted my efforts to be applauded.

It's not about me. All that God has blessed me with, all that he has given me, all the opportunities to bring him's not about what I can do or what I am good at. It is my heart. My heart needs to be emptied of myself and I need to be a servant. I need to check my motives through His filter.

But how does that help us when we are beaten down? What about when we are exhausted? What do we do, when we know all the 'right' answers and yet our feelings fail us every time?
I hope to share what I have learned and am still learning to put into practice. Speaking God's Truth. Learning discipline. Humility. Understanding prudence. Weaving it all together while still trying to figure it out. Sharing it with others--my gift to you.

May God's blessings be upon our journey,

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